Sunday, March 14th
Sunday.
I would be taking this step on a day of rest. Sometimes life likes to be ironic like that.
The job situation isn't any clearer, but all signs are pointing towards taking a massive paycut in order to -have- a job.
I have not accomplished anything that I have wanted to accomplish in the last 29 years I've been alive, and that number is about to tick over in a little over 30 days. I don't think I can get a degree or develop a career in a month. So I'm about to hit the mile marker for adult and I have nothing to show for it.
Yes yes, I know age is immaterial and I have gone through a lot and accomplished a lot, actually, and I'm not dead yet and I have plenty of time to get what I want, but this is my pity party and I'll whine if I want to. :'D
Truth be told, I know I'm not a failure. Not really - it's hard to draw that line between thinking something and knowing it, though. It's just that little nagging voice of doubt that pokes at you sometimes. Most times I'm strong enough to ignore that voice (despite my bitching to the contrary, apologies for that whoever's had to listen to it) but right now I've gotten a triple whammy with work/health/financial issues and it has torn me a new one. I'm like a rollercoaster, up, down, up down - one day I'm excited about a new project with sheer faith it can be done, the next I'm Chicken Little, screaming to the heavens about the falling sky.
I've lost my balance, my center and my sense of purpose, and I need to find it again.
Once in awhile, when things get to overwhelming me and I don't know which way is up, I stop and...no that's not right.
I pause.
I pause, and I take a moment to do some soul searching within. I work on things I've neglected, or I take up new things I've always wanted to do. I -go outside-. I spend a lot of time downtown, walking around. I spend some time at the movies and the mall. I go to events, art shows, galleries, I go to a park, sit, and sketch people. I know, this sounds like normal human behavior, but the fact I haven't done any of these things since I can't remember when says a lot about how much I've let myself stagnate.
Spring always does that to me, I think. A long cold winter and then the birds come back (okay I'm not too enthused about that, goddamn birds >>) and the air smells so good, and all I want to do is get out into it. It was easier when I had a day job; but now I have a smaller window of daylight.
This means that I'm not going to be around much. Part of my hermit period usually means I don't talk to as many people as much, but this time around I think I need to enact radio silence; it's that bad.
I'm sorry for everyone wanting to do RPs, that's going to have to go on hold (yes, I know, again) for awhile, and I'll fully understand if you want to tell me 'fuck you!' and take your characters elsewhere, I won't hold it against you. Also, any art that is due to people (besides paid commissions) is going to be on hold as well, and if you want to cancel, feel free. I fully understand. (Bella, I am almost done with the coloring on yours, so I'm going to try to finish that soon.)
I hope you guys know I love you all to bits and pieces, k? If anyone really wants/needs to get ahold of me, you can always write me on Nano, although I'm only going to check it once a week on Monday; if it's an absolute emergency, you can text me. (Uke, Luna and Ryn have my number.)
Everyone be good to yourselves, and I'll see you on the other side.
Love
Rem